Being silent did not protect me.
Silence is consent.
So I decided to break the silence. Break the silence.
Odoma bongiri bongiri
Breaking the silence means starting to feel myself, my body.
Exploring my physical landscape.
Waking up.I always felt divided into two parts, disconnected, uprooted.
I like and accept the upper part of my body.
My hands are probably too big for a woman, but it is useful to have strong hands for giving and taking.
In my Yoga-center I realized that I am the sole woman with hair in my armpits.
I was tempted to shave it, because I did not want to be different. But I like it.
Yes, I have dreams and I want them to come true.*
When I was a kid, I learned, that a girl has to be beautiful to be loved.
Everybody told me, that I am intelligent.
So I learned fast, that I am not beautiful.
A destructive loop started, something whispering in my head:
You are not beautiful.
You have this.
You don´t have that.
Anyway, I like my chest. It is part of the upper part of my body.
But here´s the border: the navel - my center.
I hate the lower part of my body.
I am a woman cut off in her center, cut off in her center, cut off in her center.
Once I had an accident. I fractured my spine right away in the middle.
Suddenly my body really was broken into two parts.
I recognized that the only important thing is a whole working body.
It doesn´t matter how it looks.
And I did it. The dream became true: one beautiful body.
But then the spirit of Barbie returned, whispering
„belly too fat, hips too fat, ass as well, thighs too huge, everything wobbling.“
Recently I saw a photo of myself, when I was twelve years old. It showed a sweet young slim girl.
But I remember so well, that I was desperate about my fat legs.
Can perception create reality?
Because now – 25 years later – I really have got legs like an elefant.
Did I succeed to create them?
I heard, that peacocks are screaming so horribly, just because they find their legs so ugly. I feel like a peacock.
Formless.
If perception can create reality, I will create the reality, I want to have.
I create myself.
Enjoying the power of my belly.
Respecting the strength of my legs connecting myself to earth.
Yes, I have dreams and I want them to come true.
Throw off fear and shame.
Refind forgotten familiarity.
Strike the right note. Give the keynote.
Feel safe and free.
Moving on into the unknown, until life becomes my dream.
